Isn't that an STD?

So here's a story for you. The day after Malcolm was born, Althea came over to check on us. Then when Malcolm was 2 days old, Alison came over to check on us, as well as day 3. He had already had his newborn screening, but we decided to take him to Stella's pediatrician to establish him as a patient. We made the appointment.

On one of the check-up visits with Alison, I asked her about the little goopy eye that Malcolm had in his left eye. She simply said that it was probably a clogged tear duct and that it would clear up faster if I wiped a little breast milk in there every time I fed him. I started doing this the day that we took him to the pediatrician, Dr. Lyndy Jones.

Dr. Jones (it's funnier if you say it like the kid on Indiana Jones) has been Stella's doctor since just after she was born. She's loud, so she scares me a little bit, but I also liked her because she doesn't freak out about kids having a cold or the flu and doesn't prescribe useless antibiotics for these ailments just to pacify worried mothers. Stella has always been super healthy, so we don't see Dr. Jones very often.

Elliot and I took Malcolm in to see Dr. Jones on the Friday after Malcolm was born. She did her little tests, looked at me weird because I had him at home, and then asked if we had any other questions.

DR. JONES: "Do you have any other questions?"
ELLIOT: "Yah, he's had this little goopy eye thing . . ."
DR. JONES: (having looked at it for under 1 second) "Oh, it looks like he has some conjunctivitis caused by chlamydia. I'll just write you a script for ointment to put in his eyes twice a day . . . blah, blah, blah"

I stopped listening because I was reviewing the previous 5 seconds in my head over and over again to make sense of it. Did she just say chlamydia? She acted so nonchalant about it that I thought that surely I'd made a mistake in my head about chlamydia being an STD. No, I'm pretty sure it's an STD. Wait, maybe not. Surely she would have asked me first before blatantly accusing me of it and then giving it to my son, right?

Elliot was just as puzzled as I was. It's not like we've studied STD's, so like big idiots, WE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! We just made our next appointments and left. By the time I got to the car, I looked like this:

I kept asking "chlamydia? . . . chlamydia? . . ."

And then after a few hours, I dropped the question and just said "chlamydia . . . chlamydia . . ."

And then a little while later after it had percolated a little bit, I put on my angry eyes and said, "CHLAMYDIA!" Elliot finally busted out his phone to look it up to confirm that, yes indeed, it is totally an STD and, yes indeed, I was just accused of having it.

After Elliot and I cleared up that neither of us has been sleeping with anyone else and therefore there is absolutely no way on this green earth that I could have chlamydia, I totally fired Dr. Jones.

At Malcolm's NEW pediatrician's office, I asked her about the goopy eye before I told her this story. She just said that it's a clogged tear duct. And it's cleared up.

The End.