Infertility Etiquette

Here's the deal. I am infertile. My actual diagnosis is ". . . bouts of infertility," but same same. I have conceived 3 times. I have one daughter. Below is an article about Infertility Etiquette. Some of it applies to me, some of it does not. I try to be fairly approachable and do not mind talking about it, so if you have questions about me or this subject, please ask me . . . don't ask my friends or relatives.

(Click on the title to read the whole article. I've inserted a few of my own comments to ease any anxiety you may have about my feelings on the subject.)

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Reaching a resolution [to infertility] can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

-Don't Tell Them to Relax
Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
(though I would LOVE to go on a cruise)

- Don't Minimize the Problem
(I can add the "just enjoy the child you have" comment under this subtitle . . . don't say it . . . it doesn't help.)

- Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

- Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

- Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

- Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

- Don't Play Doctor
There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive.
(telling me about "so and so who did this and that" only reminds me that nothing is working for me . . . smiling and nodding is a perfectly acceptable response.)

- Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

(I'll throw this one in there because I've heard it as well . . . "Is he shooting blanks?" . . . don't say it, I'll cut your tongue out.)

- Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you.

(here's me again . . . I will ALWAYS hold your baby . . . when I want to give your baby back, I'll give it back . . . you never have to worry or say sorry about me holding your baby for so long . . . ever!)

- Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
(if they don't have children yet)

- Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

- Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
You do, indeed, need to grieve [the loss of "your" baby] before you are ready to start the adoption process.

(I actually have had fantasies about someone knocking on my door and leaving their baby for me. I am SUPER excited to LOVE someone elses child!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

-Let Them Know That You Care
-Remember Them on Mother's Day
-Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

(I cannot even tell you what a relief it was to hear the words "there is nothing else I can do for you" from my doctor. WE ARE ADOPTING . . . please pray for our family.)